Observer Woman Monthly, yet again manages to make me [and others] seethe.
This month, 'Ethical is Chic', allegedly. Does ethical living really need to be 'sold' to us in a fashion package in order for us to take it seriously? Will wearing Stella McCartney** heels, an Edun dress and swinging an Anya Hindmarch handbag really make me sleep better at night? Well the Vogue girls say yes, so I guess that's it settled. As if the bloody fashionistas out there dont make us 'normal' [ for normal read, not a size zero, prone to picking up a bargain in Primark and never likely to spend £1000 on a designer handbag] women feel bloody worthless enough, now we are not even fashionable enough to be green. Well screw you OWM [ I channel Cartman every now and then] my ethical status is just fine thank you, I can live without fashion facism invading yet another sphere of my life, so bugger off.
And as if all that ethical is chic guff was not enough to incite my wrath, they had to go and print this utter shite
Introducing then, the Cadogram Agency, a collection of seducers, rakes and immoral (yet highly handsome) men, available for hire. Promising an antidote to 'dreary dates' with 'boorish dullards', Piper and his pals (collective girlfriend count: 'several thousand') offer 'a zest- filled lightning encounter with a masterly raconteur, a rakish man of the world ... Someone,' they say, 'who will hold doors open for you, take command of the situation', and 'pay you undivided attention in the most stylish manner'. Quite a boast. They will also compliment your eyes, look at your arse and flirt with your mate. You can put money on it. Money which, it's fair to say, you'll be splashing around like dirty water - an evening with one of the eight cads available costs £500, and dinner's on you. 'Yes, you'll go somewhere swanky and nobby,' David says, 'perhaps the Wolseley, or Claridge's, and he'll turn up 45 minutes late, drunk.' So far, so fine. 'Then he'll proceed to charm you thoroughly, and get you excited about your future, talking about holidays you could go on, and trips you could take together. It'll never happen.' Sweet. 'He'll keep the intensity rising, while constantly cutting away at it by flirting with the waitress, and returning from the toilet with lipstick traces on his collar. And all night he'll be secretly stealing taxi money.'
OH right, so that's what's been missing from my life! An opportunity to spend £500 + for an evening with an utter bastard. Think I'll decline thanks, I've over spent on bastards already this month.
FOR. THE. LOVE. OF. JEBUS.
*takes myself off to count to ten, to stop shaking and to clean my keyboard from all the spit that was the result of my vitriolic outburst
**for the record I really like Stella McCartney, she shares the same values as me [vegan, PETA member] but I still aint gonna spend nearly £500 on your shoes love.